I have been thinking a lot about my identity: What makes me me? Where do I fit in the world? How do I express myself – my voice? I have come to the conclusion that I know everyone but no one at the same time…and I am okay with it. Let me explain.
For most of my life, I have yearned to be apart of a group (I guess a clique) with who I could laugh, cry, and everything in between. I would have these amazing memories. Yet within social groups, I always feel like an outsider looking – never really getting most of the groups’ private jokes, even with my step siblings though it is getting better. I know a lot of people within groups but at a distance. I am a part of some amazing groups where I can be myself, but it is a loose connection.
However, I know a lot of awesome, strong individuals who trust me with prayer concerns, come to me for advice, and listen to what I have to say. It is an honor to walk with these individuals through life. I only have two or three people who I have stayed connected with over an extended period of time. These are the friendships I cherish with my whole being, because we do not never judge or scold for making a decision or having a certain opinion. I know a lot people and am able to connect with them based on a shared experience. I am able to walk with these individuals for a short time, and then we go our separate ways. Such is life.
Back to my thesis: I know everyone but no one….and I am okay with it. I am not a loner. I just am not one for cliques – too much drama; I am someone who cares deeply for the individual – not the group identity. I know wonderful stories of struggles and overcoming the odds of individuals. I am also someone people come to when they need to be connect with an individual with certain knowledge or background. People who I barely know will email me and ask if I know how so-so is doing or know anyone with a certain background. I am apart of some amazing groups – not just one clique. I am someone who stays connected with individuals and can let different people know where and what so-so is up to in their life’s journey.
For thirty years, I felt this spiritual gift was not a gift but as being a loner – someone on the outside looking in. But the last few weeks I have accept I know everyone but no one, except a few chosen ones. And I am truly okay with it.